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Posted by Joseph Carver Feb 3, Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective. Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future.
We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty.
If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap, kick and even punch their male partners when upset.
Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of How to know when youre dating a loser before offering a commitment — not three weeks. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper — throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things.
At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you — but they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability — and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them — fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly — as though you How to know when youre dating a loser it.
Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends — sometimes even their family. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.
The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. They give you the impression that you had it anger, yelling, assault coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression. They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment.
Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of — telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again making you a prisoner and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are.
Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you build a higher fence. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity.
The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those which they totally control. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public.
Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence.
After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them — somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal.
They will protest. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them — eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. The stories a person tells informs us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on himself.
They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. How to know when youre dating a loser, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt — hit the road.
The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. Pay attention to the reputation. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly.
You become paranoid as well — being careful what you wear and say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights How to know when youre dating a loser female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. If you are involved in a relationship with one of these versions, you may require professional and legal assistance to save yourself.
Physical Abuser Physical abusers begin the relationship with physical moving — shoving, pushing, forcing, etc. Getting away from physical abusers often requires the assistance of family, law enforcement agencies, or local abuse agencies. Female losers often physically attack their partner, break car windows, or behave with such violence that the male partner is forced to physically protect himself from the assault. They may fake terminal illness, pregnancy, or disease. If you try to end the relationshipthey react violently and give you the impression that you, your friends, or your family are in serious danger.
People often then remain in the abusive and controlling relationship due to fear of harm to their family or their reputation. Psychotic or psychiatrically ill losers may also stalk, follow, or harass you. They may threaten physical violence, show weapons, or threaten to kill you or themselves if you leave them.
If you try to date others, they may follow you or threaten your new date. Your new date may be subjected to phone harassmentvandalism, threats, and even physical assaults. You may need help and legal action to separate from these individuals. During the detachment phase you should…. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:. In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities.
Some are a joy to have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Both in medicine and mental health — the key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems — before they reach the point that they are beyond treatment.
When those s and indicators surface and the pattern is identified, we must move quickly to get away from the situation. In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-produced depression. Credit: This handout was written by Joseph M. Carver, Ph. It is provided as a public service and can be reproduced as needed. Carver is in private practice in Southern Ohio and is affiliated with three regional hospitals.
Mental Health Professional Joseph M. He began his career inand has practiced in psychiatric and medical hospitals, community mental health centers, and private practice. He is currently in private practice. He also provides expert witness testimony for the Social Security Administration. What a load of crap. We are not losers, but you have proven that you most certainly are.
A movie is just that, a movie.
A mentally ill person is far more likely to be the victim of general violence and domestic violence than they are to be the perpetrator. Great article! Very helpful. Luckily, detachment went relatively smoothly, as I unknowingly applied quite a few of the principles that you recommend. This should be required reading for anyone who finds themselves involved with a BPD and needs a solid exit strategy.
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7 Warning s That You Are Dating a Loser